writ prod. | Course Web Y2

ILO: 18/12/19
For this production, since I've become inspired by Charlie Roberts' website of his college work about writing, I will conduct one of his pre-production processes, then conduct another task of my own, then begin writing a draft of my own short story like the format from the League of Legends website of champions. As it may be likely that the first draft will not be perfect, I may refine it into a second draft, then to be proof-read and refined further from within.

As I produce the main production process, I will learn how to describe character in J.K. Rowling's style, as well as the rest of the writing similar to any of the writers' characters' biographies and stories I have read from League of Legends. From these sources, I will briefly study their use of sentence and vocabulary structures for me to successfully create an engaging short story of original characters, Lewis and Red.

Before creating the main character profile as a further confirmation with Red’s background and overall personality, as an inspiration from one of last year’s students, Charlie Roberts, who also chose writing as one of his specialisms. He was inspired by the character biographies and stories from League of Legends, as well as I. However, Charlie created his character with a rapid biography of the ideal features and essentials of his character in a mind map with four key aspects: personality with sections positive and negative, existing regions, combat/weapons, and possible story, concepts and themes. Once I outlined, I fired away with the personality with the positives first. However, I became disappointed with myself for being unable to think of the vocabulary for Red’s personality, so I searched on Google for a list positive personality traits. As I scrolled through, I wrote down the traits that were with Red, except, the majority of them were traits of strength - which is Red’s main characteristic, but I needed Red’s gentle side - but that’s when she deeply trusts another. And for the negative characteristics, I easily jotted them down without using the web, but they were written in detail, otherwise they would be misunderstood. But the main negative traits were short-tempered, wrathful and independence.

I then proceeded to the regions section. In Red’s case, there are multiple worlds in the universe, two of which she accommodates in with her allies and are majorly occupied with civilisation and similar with technology, as well as travelling to each other: Earth, dimension of modern civilisation, and Fentaria, dimension of fantasy civilisation. For Fentaria, Red mainly stays in a kingdom of Centoria in Lareantis, whereas in Earth - I don’t have have a location yet… since I needed an English location with a large forest.

After finishing with the regions, I continued to combat. Red’s main combat style is melee of fists and kicks and mainly advanced martial arts from Fentaria, including her inner magic of green flames. But in her Wolphren form, she has the combat of claws, fangs, paw sweeps, crushing with the jaw, and fire breathing as her magical green flame casting.

For story concept, I had to maintain myself within the bubble of keeping this section brief, because Red would have a lot to tell… but to explain it in a super-brief, Red was taken by a scientist from Fentaria and turned her back into a Red Wolphren. By what she is, she’s driven by her duties to defeat her rival and fight off his minions whilst venturing with her allies and an Earth boy named Lewis, with a fixed mindset that she was artificially implemented as a Wolphren. And the adventures become spicy and new as they work together to find the rival’s ‘pillars’ that help him stay physically stable with power.

Even though this task was not influenced from my chosen practitioners, but I conducted this task because I was stuck at first to create a biography and character introduction for Red, so I needed a boost and start-up to help me frame out the story I can writer from the style of League of Legends and J.K. Rowling. But overall, this activity was rather quick, but it helped me refresh from Red’s background.

Pre-production - Super character brief (18/12/19):

To develop further with Red’s super brief profile, I decided to create a character profile, like what we created in Task 1 from inspiration from Joseph Campbell. This was also to help me refresh my mind to view Red as a whole person, as if meeting her and then confidently implement her into a short story.

While writing up the hobbies & interests, quirks and background brief, I realised that they were not so important, since the short story I planned never used these sections as reference and were rather useless. However, supposedly, they were extras to my knowledge about Red. In addition to the background brief, I was yet again carried away by my writing about Red’s origin of returning to her true being… especially by how it would never be in the short story. So I had to cut it short by how Red lived alone and thinks that she’s a fake Wolphren - but she’s not.
However, with the assistance of a book, Ready, Set, Novel! By Chris Baty, Lindsey Grant and Tavia Stewart-Steit, in Chapter 2, page 38 to 39, there were four sections of natural habitat, clothing/appearance, physical mannerisms, and dialogue/interactions. Physical mannerisms caught my attention and thought I could add it to my character profile and jotted that Red has a quite a tomboy personality, has a violent approach to things she dislikes and despises, but also has a gentle, friendly-monster/giant approach to people she highly and dearly cares. Rolled up sleeves, and combat-sneaker boots - which should be in the clothing category.

After completing the profile - which I’m glad I did because I felt confident to start planning for the short story and then begin writing it.
Overall, even though some of the sections felt useless, supposedly they helped me see Red more for me to able to easily write the short story.

Pre-production - Character profile (18/12/19 - 1/1/20):

Whilst planning for the story, at first, I thought of doing the perspective in first-person Lewis, yet solely about Red, but I thought the readers would be more attached to Lewis if it was in that view, so I decided to switch to third-person through Lewis, yet about Red, to convey a beginning relationship with her - which is rather far into the story - not the short one.
I planned the story to be a sudden introduction of the magical world that came to Earth from another world by Lewis suddenly being chased by a creature no one’s ever seen before: a large, black four-legged monster emitting black smoke from every angle, with gleaming red eyes. This scene occurs after the end of the school day on Lewis’ way home. Before this, the magic is also linked by introducing Red through Lewis’ gazing curiosity whenever he finds her during school, until one lunch break, he finds her again but smiling, which threw Lewis and got him quietly flustered.

As Lewis gets chased, this also enables the readers the reason behind Red’s next introduction. It goes by after Lewis crashes into an ashen meadow with countless of the black smoky monsters slaughtering people around him, one of them sees him and drools over him, hungry for a fresh meal of Lewis. Until another large beast crashes into the creature, but it seemed to be protecting him. This is when I wrote another descriptive introduction of Red in her Wolphren form, without Lewis knowing it's her until the end.
Lewis becomes unconscious as Red fights off the creepy smoky minions, and takes him on her back across to a safer area.
Lewis finally wakes up and calls out for the beast and she turns around, revealing her face unlike the deathly commotion from earlier. Even though one eye was different, one name escaped the bundle of confusion in Lewis’ mind. He asks the name Red, and she become silently irritated, and walks away. There, Lewis knows it’s Red from school, judging by the attitude she presented in Wolphren form, was quite the same in school.
With this, despite how, even in third-person, it’s through Lewis’ eyes, the story is solely about Red. However, by introducing her with Red protecting Lewis, in her beastly form, from dark monsters, implies to the readers the duties and experiences Red fights through whilst being mistaken that she’s the villain on Earth.

Pre-production - Short story planning (19/12/19):

Finally, I began the full production of handwriting the few couple of scenes from my original story as my short story. Except, as I wrote the story, my writing skills degraded and was very basic and awfully structured. So I decided that instead of rewriting the draft on the computer, I refine it further as I rewrite it.

Here are two drafts, the one with red highlights is the from the handwritten draft with errors. And the other in green is the refined version with improvements.

Production - Short story (19/12/19 - 13/1/20):

Seldom did Lewis ever gaze or glance at Red seem emotionally bright. Even with her loyal companion, she would react sarcastically or merely hapless seemed a part of her norm. Nevertheless, Lewis would find her alone, even if Red would respond coldly to him. Red was an averagely tall girl, around Lewis’ age, with long, gentle, wavy, dark bronze, brown hair, and the right side of her fringe slightly covering her eye, and with a rather brave, yet gently amiable visage, interrupted by a small plaster streaked across her jaw. Despite how she looked just as the same as a mere school girl, she somehow outstands all the other students in Lewis’ eyes. Hence he remained rather curious about her; her other side that could be revealed, then perhaps trusted carefully.

One afternoon, during lunch break, he finds Red again with her usual trusty companion - but smiling. Lewis hesitates from his eating. There she stands, in the distance, giggling with her friend, a blonde, younger girl with an athletic mannerism. In spite of that, for the first time, Lewis saw Red happy, with her merrily gleaming, kindly warm brown eyes.
At last, he has found her other side - but it would be more accomplished if he could at least be accompanied with this mysterious girl.

Naturally returning to his usual indifferent, dispirited self, the school day finally reaches its end as the students slowly swarm over the front grounds. Whereas Lewis, ambles onto his usual route back home.

It was simply a sunny day with the rays warmly shining upon Lewis’ disheartened face. He didn’t want to go home, but homework must be completed - unless he could bring with it him to a field near his house instead. He agreed in thought, gently raising his head with higher spirits.
A vast roll of clouds started to loom over him like twenty enormous chimneys from a power station heavily clouded themselves with thick, dark plumes of emissions. Perhaps a spontaneous thunder storm, Lewis wonders, or maybe a violent shower of rain. As he transitions into a march to reach home efficiently, hairs and goosebumps began to prickle in a wave on his back and shoulders. What’s happening? Suddenly a hissing whisper increases in volume, louder and louder in his mind.

He whips around - nothing. A surge of paranoia and confusion begins to grow in his mind. Whispering? Did he suddenly go insane by mere walking without a thought of anything but homework? Is he stressed just by planning of taking it to the field?
As he glances another round behind him, a large, four-legged, black smoky creature stands there, hissing hungrily with gleaming, sallow red eyes. Panicking, Lewis breaks into a run. Where should he escape to? Home? Someone’s house he just ran past? The police? Where? The questions rushed in a rapid spin, making him frustrated. Either way, the dark monster was thirsty for a massacre, boiling with a compulsive desire to violently eat him.

Running and running, soon losing breath. Train tracks. Excellent, thought Lewis. Lure the monster onto the tracks, keep running, wait for the train, and jump out of the way, down the bushy, grass hill below when it comes.

Not yet five minutes, Lewis tightly clutches his side by the stitch piercing through his ribs as each breath spreads the pain to the neck. Sharply aching as if cold swords remained in his throat from the piercing of the stitch.

Not a single train, and the smoky monster began to edge closer and closer as Lewis started to limp and hop from his agonising exhaustion.

It doesn’t matter, he must escape. He dives down onto the hill, crashing and tumbling like a rock down the cliff as the branches from the bushes whip against his skin as the monster follows through, sliding.

Tumbling and plummeting, he crashes onto a suddenly dry meadow near a ruined neighbourhood that lethally exploded in deathly black flames. It was shockingly dark - everything was black. The grass in between his fingers pulverized into thin ashes as he curled his fingers into fists to stand from the withered land. Patches of the dying meadow flared with inky black flames, clouds as dark as an endless abyss and the stench of rotten eggs - no, flesh and blood, filling the air, from ripped, drenched bodies scattered in their own pools of dark, red blood, as living ones shriek and screech in surges of fear and helplessness.

Lifting himself up, Lewis desperately glances around to find somewhere to escape - but where? Everything was dark, stiflingly hot from the odd black fire and warmth of the bodies, and mobbed with the smoky black monsters as far as the eye can see, the creatures that chased him down into this pit of what Lewis can merely think of as black hell.

Lewis breaks into a run - somewhere. In desperate faith that wherever he goes, is the way out of this death hole. But one of the creatures leaps in front of him. Disheartened from his high hopes, he slowly steps back, as the monster snarls with a disturbing, ear-piercing, ghostly hiss.

Panicking, he stumbles upon an ashen tree behind him. His breaths become shallow. The monster widens its hollow gape, ready to be drenched in blood, and teeth like millions of thick razor needles, drooling with tar-like liquid, a burning hanker to tear Lewis apart. Hopeless, Lewis desperately pushes and pushes against the tree as the monster’s screech louder and louder, smacking its foot onto Lewis’ chest to pin its feast down.

Raising its head to begin its meat shredding, a large red or russet figure crashes into the screeching creature.

Suddenly, the shrieks become replaced by deep, thunderous roars and growls.

Petrified and in agony, Lewis manages to focus his vision from the blur of exhaustion and fear.
Before him, is a large wolf-like beast with fur of russet-red of wrath, yet compassion. And from its bottom jaw and across the lower body, streaking with golden, peachy white fur. Swaying in the wind from the heat of the flaring, dark flames, green feathers flowed from behind its ears and along its oscillating tail.

Furiously growling, its enormous paws steadily step backwards towards Lewis. Is it protecting him?
Prowling, the shrieking, the hissing creatures creep closer to the red beast as it stomps its paws and angrily roaring at them as intimidation.
Suddenly, the beast thunders towards them, hurling its claws at them. Pouncing on the other, and thrashing at its neck with long, razor saws of teeth. It quickly dismounts and shortly chases after the remaining creatures that attempted to snatch Lewis, but they immediately fled and poofed in black smoke by the beast’s arrival.

Even though the beast’s growls stormed on to ensure nothing threatening remained in the area, it didn’t matter anymore. Lewis’ vision lost focus, but it got darker and darker, as warm liquid trickled down his face. It was now pitch black and he felt very weary. He couldn’t feel anything.

Gradually, time passed, minutes and hours clocking by. But not even the slightest did that concern Lewis. But how long was he out? Faintly, he figured he was on his front, but on his bed? Though it is rather softer than usual, and somehow it seems to be gently rocking, but in a particular rhythm. Did burglars decided to take his bed with him? But his arms and legs were limp and hanging over the edges - the bed is somewhat narrower. Lewis draws a deep breath, from the soft material he buried his face in, and exhaling in relieving calmness; the scent was rather pleasant. It had a presence of refreshing earth with luscious leaves and wild herbs, yet a hint of coconut shampoo?

Slowly, he slightly opens his eyes, his vision remained blurry and the sight seemed bright with greens.
Still exhausted and drowsed by the gentle rocking rhythm, he shuts his eyes again.
But suddenly, his unusually soft, earthy, coconut bed tilts to a side and drops him against what feels like a tree, hard on his back.
Wearily, Lewis awakes. But he realises in a snap - what happened? He glances behind him: a soft tree - but isn’t it supposed to be black and crumbled into ash?
No, wait. He looks back ahead of him, the red beast walking away before him.
“Wait!” Lewis calls, gazing at the creature as the sun shines on its russet, red fur.
The beast stops and hesitates, but Lewis remains speechless, struggling to string out words.
The beast slowly turns to Lewis, showing its valiant yet gently amiable visage, interrupted by a small wound scabbed across its jaw, but the creature was slightly scowling with impatience.
Lewis hesitates as he widens his eyes and dropping his jaw in bewilderment and shock. Those eyes - they’re so familiar - but one is golden… Despite that, they were kindly warm.

One word, or rather name, managed to string out of Lewis’ bundle of confusion from his mind:
“Red?”
The beast looks to the side, wrinkles its snout and continues to walk away.

Lewis pulls a smug smile, amused by her reaction when he revealed her.

Seldom did Lewis ever gaze or glance at Red appear emotionally bright. Even with her loyal companion, reacting sarcastically or hapless seemed a part of her norm. Nevertheless, Lewis mostly found her alone, but despite Red’s cold responses, he remained rather curious about her; her other side that can be revealed when perhaps trusted carefully.

One afternoon, during lunch break, he finds Red again, averagely tall with long, gentle wavy hair and warm brown eyes - smiling. Lewis hesitates from his eating. In the distance, giggling with her trusty companion, a blonde, younger girl with an athletic attitude.
I’m spite of that, for the first time, Lewis saw her happy. At last he found her other side, but it would be more pleasant if he could be at least accompanies with this mysterious girl.

Naturally returning to his indifference and feeling dispirited, the school day finally reaches its end as the students slowly swarm over the front grounds, Lewis ventures on his usual route back home.
It was simply a sunny day with a vast roll of clouds tower over like an enormous grey duvet falling from the sky. Perhaps a spontaneous storm, Lewis wonders, or maybe soon to be a shower of rain. As he transitions to a march to reach home quicker, hairs and goosebumps begin to prickle one his back and shoulders. What’s happening? A hissing whisper gets louder and louder in his mind.

____________

He whips around - nothing. A surge of paranoia and confusion begins to run to his mind.
Whispering? Did he suddenly go insane by mere walking without a thought of anything? As he takes another look behind him, a large, four-legged, black smoky creature stands there hungrily with gleaming, sallow red eyes. Lewis breaks into a run of panic. Where should he escape to? Home? Someone’s house? The police? Where? The questions rapidly spin round his mind, causing friction to make frustrated. Either way, the dark, massacre killing monster wants to violently eat him.

Sprinting, soon running out of breath, train tracks. Excellent, thought Lewis. Lure the monster into the tracks, keeping running, wait for the train, and jump out of the way down the bushy, grass hill below.

Not yet five minutes, Lewis clutches his side by the stitch piercing through his ribs, and his neck sharply aching as if cold swords stayed there since the piercing of the stitch.

No train has arrived, and the smoking monster was edging closer as Lewis started to limp and hop from his agonising exhaustion.

It doesn’t matter just do it, he dives down the hill, rapidly tumbling like a rock down a cliff as the monster slides down, still following.

Tumbling and plummeting, he crashes down onto a dry meadow near a neighbourhood. It was shockingly dark, everything was black. Flaring with inky flames, clouds as black as an endless abyss and - bodies everywhere, as living ones shriek and screech in surges of fear and helplessness.

Lifting himself up, Lewis desperately glances around to find somewhere to escape to - but where?
Everything was horrifyingly black and mobbed by the smoky black monsters that chased him down this of violent death by the gleaming red-eyed creatures.

Lewis runs - somewhere. In desperate faith that it’s the way out of this black hell. But one of the creatures leaps in front of him. He wearily steps backwards as the monster snarls with a disturbing, piercing ghostly shrieking hiss.

Panicking, he stumbles against an ashen tree behind him. His breaths become short. The monster widens it’s hollow gape, ready to be moisturised with blood, and teeth like millions of thick razor needles, drooling with tar-like liquid, a burning desire to tear Lewis’ flesh. Lewis hopelessly pushes against the black tree as the monster’s shrieks screech louder and louder, smacking a paw onto Lewis’ chest to pin him down.

Raising its head higher to begin its meat shredding, a large red or russet figure crashes against the screeching creature.

Suddenly, the shrieks become replaced by deep, thunderous roars and growls.

Scared and in agony, Lewis focuses his vision from the blur of exhaustion and fear.
Before him, is a large wolf-like beast with fur of russet-red of wrath, yet compassion. And it’s lower body of golden, peachy white.
Swaying in the wind from the explosions, green feathers flowed from behind its ears and along its oscillating tail.

Furiously growling, it steadily steps backwards towards Lewis. Is it protecting him?
Prowling, the shrieking creatures crawl closer to the red beast as it stomps its paws and angrily roaring at them as intimidation.
Suddenly, the beast stomps towards them, throwing its clawed paws at them. Pounding in the other, and shredding its neck. It quickly dismounts and shortly chases after the creatures that attempted to snatch Lewis but immediately fled and poofed in black smoke.

Even though the beast’s growls thundered on, it didn’t matter anymore. Lewis’ vision lost focus, but it got darker, and felt a warm liquid trickle down his head and to his face. It was now pitch black.

How long was he out? Faintly, it seems as if he’s on his front, but on his bed? Though it was rather soft, and it seems to be gently rocking, but in a particular rhythm. Did burglars decide to take his bed with him? But his arms and legs were limp and hanging in front of him. Lewis takes a deep breath from the soft material in his face. Exhaling with relieving calmness, the scent was rather pleasant. It had a presence of the refreshing earth with luscious leaves and wild herbs, yet a hint of coconut shampoo?

Slowly, he slightly opens his eyes. His vision remained blurry and the sight seemed bright with some greens.
Still exhausted and relaxed by the moving rhythm, he shuts his eyes. But suddenly, his unusually soft, earthy, coconut bed tilts to a side and drops him against something hard on his back.
Dazily, Lewis awakes. But he realises in a snap. What happened? He glances behind him: a soft tree - but isn’t the tree supposed to be black?
No, wait. He looks back ahead of him. The red beast, it’s now walking away.
“Wait!” Lewis calls, gazing at the creature as the sun shines on its russet-red fur.
The beast stops and hesitates, but Lewis remains speechless. Struggling to think of words. the beast slowly turns to Lewis, showing its valiant visage, yet with a slight scowl. Lewis hesitates as he widens his eyes and steadily dropping his jaw. Those eyes - they’re so familiar - but one is golden… Despite that, they were relievingly warm.

One word managed to form in Lewis’ mind:
“Red?”
The beast looks to the side, wrinkles it’s snout and continues to walk away.

Lewis pulled a smug smile, amused by her reaction when he revealed her.

Firstly, comparing the first paragraph from both the drafts, when I was refining the handwritten story, I realised how awfully short Red’s description was in the second paragraph of the old draft, even though I wanted to write this part in J.K. Rowling’s style when she first described Dumbledore.
So when refining it, I decided to transfer Red’s description to the first paragraph, as well as importantly extending it with more descriptive vocabulary to properly piece together the features of Red to paint an image of her in the readers’ imaginations, as I read through Dumbledore’s description to maintain myself within the style. Unlike in the second paragraph of the old draft.

Seldom did Lewis ever gaze or glance at Red seem emotionally bright. Even with her loyal companion, she would react sarcastically or merely hapless seemed a part of her norm. Nevertheless, Lewis would find her alone, even if Red would respond coldly to him. Red was an averagely tall girl, around Lewis’ age, with long, gentle, wavy, dark bronze, brown hair, and the right side of her fringe slightly covering her eye, and with a rather brave, yet gently amiable visage, interrupted by a small plaster on her jaw. Despite how she looked just as the same as a mere school girl, she somehow outstands all the other students in Lewis’ eyes. Hence he remained rather curious about her; her other side that could be revealed, then perhaps trusted carefully.

Seldom did Lewis ever gaze or glance at Red appear emotionally bright. Even with her loyal companion, reacting sarcastically or hapless seemed a part of her norm. Nevertheless, Lewis mostly found her alone, but despite Red’s cold responses, he remained rather curious about her; her other side that can be revealed when perhaps trusted carefully.

One afternoon, during lunch break, he finds Red again, averagely tall with long, gentle wavy hair and warm brown eyes - smiling. Lewis hesitates from his eating. In the distance, giggling with her trusty companion, a blonde, younger girl with an athletic attitude.
I’m spite of that, for the first time, Lewis saw her happy. At last he found her other side, but it would be more pleasant if he could be at least accompanies with this mysterious girl.

Then in the second paragraph, where Lewis becomes flustered over Red’s happiness, I decided to reveal more of her eyes as she laughs. This was to firstly break up the long description of Red in the first paragraph, and secondly, to extend the reassurance to the reader about Lewis’ curiosity of Red.

There she stands, in the distance, giggling with her friend, a blonde, younger girl with an athletic mannerism. In spite of that, for the first time, Lewis saw Red happy, with her merrily gleaming, kindly warm brown eyes.

Proceeding to the third paragraph, I noticed how odd the first sentence sounded, so I had to rearrange it to make it sound appropriately like Lewis’ normally casual trait.
Then during Lewis’ journey back home, since the first draft had a rather short scene of him ambling to his home until the Shadow stood before him on his back. So I, again, extended the innocent scene by explaining why Lewis is “indifferent” and “dispirited”: because he doesn’t like his home as family issues between his mother normally occur, hence “he could bring” the homework “with him to a field to a field near his house instead”.
As I approached the scene when the thick, vast clouds tower over Lewis, I knew myself that the old version of this scene was very basic and a young child would use the simile of a “duvet”, so I instead transformed it into “twenty chimneys from a power station”. With this, I knew that chimneys from power stations already emit masses amount of highly thick steam, so I combined it twenty chimneys pluming the “thick, dark emissions” at the same time to create the horrifyingly thick, depressing cloud, instead of a pathetic “duvet falling from the sky”.

Naturally returning to his usual indifferent, dispirited self, the school day finally reaches its end as the students slowly swarm over the front grounds. Whereas Lewis, ambles onto his usual route back home.

It was simply a sunny day with the rays warmly shining upon Lewis’ disheartened face. He didn’t want to go home, but homework must be completed - unless he could bring with it him to a field near his house instead. He agreed in thought, gently raising his head with higher spirits.
A vast roll of clouds started to loom over him like twenty enormous chimneys from a power station heavily clouded themselves with thick, dark plumes of emissions.

Naturally returning to his indifference and feeling dispirited, the school day finally reaches its end as the students slowly swarm over the front grounds, Lewis ventures on his usual route back home.It was simply a sunny day with a vast roll of clouds tower over like an enormous grey duvet falling from the sky.

At the next scene where Lewis suddenly “whips around”, there was a space between “suddenly a hissing whisper gets louder and louder in his mind.” And “he whips around - nothing.”
This was an irritable mistake as I recorded this in my diary. For some reason, in my first draft, I separated the beginning of a new event from the progression of the event.
So as I refined it, I connected the paragraph to enable the flow of reading. In addition to this, I used a rhetorical question of “what’s happening?”, repetition of “louder and louder” and a simple sentence with a dash, “he whips around - nothing”. These are all in simple sentences, which increases the pace of the scene, making the reader feel tense and worried for Lewis of what this spontaneous event could be. Including the rhetorical question, it makes the reader feel confused just as much Lewis does, as the “whisper increases in volume, louder and louder”. This repetition is also a part of the tension, this is to heighten the confusion and create panic - which is the initial reaction from people when they encounter Shadows, because they’re brutally hungry.
After Lewis sees “nothing”, I added more rhetorical questions to maintain within the mind of an Earth being, a being in a place of no magic.
When he finally sees the smoky monster it’s “hissing”. I added this word in the refined draft because it’s supposed to give a reason behind the “hissing whisper” when Lewis had a sudden prickle on his back and fake insanity.
Yet again, I added another series of rhetorical questions to maintain the immense fear and bewilderment of Lewis as he’s suddenly being chased by a monster no one’s ever seen before. As well as making the readers just as scared and confused as Lewis is.

What’s happening? Suddenly a hissing whisper increases in volume, louder and louder in his mind.

He whips around - nothing. A surge of paranoia and confusion begins to grow in his mind. Whispering? Did he suddenly go insane by mere walking without a thought of anything but homework? Is he stressed just by planning of taking it to the field?
As he glances another round behind him, a large, four-legged, black smoky creature stands there, hissing hungrily with gleaming, sallow red eyes. Panicking, Lewis breaks into a run. Where should he escape to? Home? Someone’s house he just ran past? The police? Where? The questions rushed in a rapid spin, making him frustrated.

What’s happening? A hissing whisper gets louder and louder in his mind.

____________

He whips around - nothing. A surge of paranoia and confusion begins to run to his mind.
Whispering? Did he suddenly go insane by mere walking without a thought of anything? As he takes another look behind him, a large, four-legged, black smoky creature stands there hungrily with gleaming, sallow red eyes. Lewis breaks into a run of panic. Where should he escape to? Home? Someone’s house? The police? Where? The questions rapidly spin round his mind, causing friction to make frustrated.

As he runs, I changed the “sprinting” to another repetition of “running and running” to continue the atmosphere of desperation and panic. After the super short sentence of “train tracks”, not only does it keep the pace of intensity and fear, it progresses into a list of simple instructions of Lewis’ quick plan. This makes it feel rushed and the readers should feel desperate for Lewis to stay away from being shredded.

Running and running, soon losing breath. Train tracks. Excellent, thought Lewis. Lure the monster onto the tracks, keep running, wait for the train, and jump out of the way, down the bushy, grass hill below when it comes.

As Lewis “crashes” into the mayhem of deathly darkness, I originally imagined this scene as a movie-like, cinematic panning around Lewis glancing around in shock over the brutal chaos. So even though I knew the first draft was going to be refined, I rushed it and obviously sounded rather boring without the initial sense of distraught and hopelessness from a rather pathetic description of the “dry meadow near a neighbourhood”. So I added “ruined neighbourhood that lethally exploded in deathly black flames”. The adverbs “lethally” after “exploded” implies that the impact would be, indeed, lethal, but also it would make the readers imagine that the explosion was powerfully enormous and majorly explosive. Then with another adverb of “deathly” with “black flames” makes the fire feel sore and can burn through a being. Or a likely “deathly” impact from the lethal explosion.
As I refined the draft, I added further description about the setting to further create the emotion of devastation by when the “grass in between his fingers pulverised into thin ashes”. This was another imagination of a cinematic moment, but this also further adds the essential details to assist the readers to imagine what’s really happening around Lewis: exploded, in fire and in ashes.
The part where Lewis smells a vile stench of “rotten eggs” but immediately realises “- no, flesh and blood, filling the air” reveals to the reader of Lewis’ age: under eighteen. But because he’s a mere school boy from Earth, his mind is still naïve and innocent and he would never imagine anything bad until he tumbled into the deathly pit.

Tumbling and plummeting, he crashes onto a suddenly dry meadow near a ruined neighbourhood that lethally exploded in deathly black flames. It was shockingly dark - everything was black. The grass in between his fingers pulverized into thin ashes as he curled his fingers into fists to stand from the withered land. Patches of the dying meadow flared with inky black flames, clouds as dark as an endless abyss and the stench of rotten eggs - no, flesh and blood, filling the air, from ripped, drenched bodies scattered in their own pools of dark, red blood, as living ones shriek and screech in surges of fear and helplessness.

Tumbling and plummeting, he crashes down onto a dry meadow near a neighbourhood. It was shockingly dark, everything was black. Flaring with inky flames, clouds as black as an endless abyss and - bodies everywhere, as living ones shriek and screech in surges of fear and helplessness.

The rest of the refinement went smoothly across the handwritten, since in this part of the first draft, I felt more emotion for the scene, I felt what was happening and was writing through true passion. Except I replaced some individual words into sophisticated vocabulary. For example, I replaced the word “desire” to “hanker”, which defines to feel a strong desire for or to do something, as well as making the monsters appear incredibly hungry. And in paragraph 18, the first line, I also replaced the word “scared” - which is the most basic words to boringly describe someone in fear - to “petrified”, which, physically Lewis’ initial action: frozen in fear, as well as unable to move from exhaustion.

I also replaced more words, in paragraph 23, to increase the feeling of tension and feel the physical action of the battle between the red beast and the Shadows by instead of “throwing”, it’s “hurling its claws”, and “thrashing at its neck”, instead of “shredding”, which is initially the Shadows’ way of killing, because of their countless “razor needles”.

The monster widens its hollow gape, ready to be drenched in blood, and teeth like millions of thick razor needles, drooling with tar-like liquid, a burning hanker to tear Lewis apart. Hopeless, Lewis desperately pushes and pushes against the tree as the monster’s screech louder and louder, smacking its foot onto Lewis’ chest to pin its feast down.

Raising its head to begin its meat shredding, a large red or russet figure crashes into the screeching creature.

Suddenly, the shrieks become replaced by deep, thunderous roars and growls.

Petrified and in agony, Lewis manages to focus his vision from the blur of exhaustion and fear.
Before him, is a large wolf-like beast with fur of russet-red of wrath, yet compassion. And from its bottom jaw and across the lower body, streaking with golden, peachy white fur. Swaying in the wind from the heat of the flaring, dark flames, green feathers flowed from behind its ears and along its oscillating tail.

Furiously growling, its enormous paws steadily step backwards towards Lewis. Is it protecting him?
Prowling, the shrieking, the hissing creatures creep closer to the red beast as it stomps its paws and angrily roaring at them as intimidation.
Suddenly, the beast thunders towards them, hurling its claws at them. Pouncing on the other, and thrashing at its neck with long, razor saws of teeth.

The monster widens it’s hollow gape, ready to be moisturised with blood, and teeth like millions of thick razor needles, drooling with tar-like liquid, a burning desire to tear Lewis’ flesh. Lewis hopelessly pushes against the black tree as the monster’s shrieks screech louder and louder, smacking a paw onto Lewis’ chest to pin him down.

Raising its head higher to begin its meat shredding, a large red or russet figure crashes against the screeching creature.

Suddenly, the shrieks become replaced by deep, thunderous roars and growls.

Scared and in agony, Lewis focuses his vision from the blur of exhaustion and fear.
Before him, is a large wolf-like beast with fur of russet-red of wrath, yet compassion. And it’s lower body of golden, peachy white.
Swaying in the wind from the explosions, green feathers flowed from behind its ears and along its oscillating tail.

Furiously growling, it steadily steps backwards towards Lewis. Is it protecting him?
Prowling, the shrieking creatures crawl closer to the red beast as it stomps its paws and angrily roaring at them as intimidation.
Suddenly, the beast stomps towards them, throwing its clawed paws at them. Pounding in the other, and shredding its neck.

In paragraph 24, I realised that in this scene when Lewis loses consciousness, the sentences are still short and simple, making the pace remain fast. Which isn’t what I wanted to conduct, because Lewis is dosing off into losing consciousness, which is a gradual process. So I extended it with commas to slow the pace and making him “very weary” until finally, “he couldn’t feel anything.”.

Lewis’ vision lost focus, but it got darker and darker, as warm liquid trickled down his face. It was now pitch black and he felt very weary. He couldn’t feel anything.

Lewis’ vision lost focus, but it got darker, and felt a warm liquid trickle down his head and to his face. It was now pitch black.

The next paragraph still felt fast paced, so, again, I had to reword parts of the sentences so they can match each other with the commas’ changing the sentences together. As well as this, I reworded the start of the paragraph by “gradually, time passes, minutes and hours clocking by.” I increased from “minutes” to the slower hand of “hours” to decrease the speed of the feel of time in Lewis’ mind and the environment.

Yet again, I included another series of rhetorical questions in this paragraph to, of course, create the emotion of confusion when he suddenly feels his bed “somewhat narrower”, “gently rocking, but in a particular rhythm” and unusually “soft”, as well as considering the fact that he’s heavily waking up from unconsciousness.

Gradually, time passed, minutes and hours clocking by. But not even the slightest did that concern Lewis. But how long was he out? Faintly, he figured he was on his front, but on his bed? Though it is rather softer than usual, and somehow it seems to be gently rocking, but in a particular rhythm. Did burglars decided to take his bed with him? But his arms and legs were limp and hanging over the edges - the bed is somewhat narrower. Lewis draws a deep breath, from the soft material he buried his face in, and exhaling in relieving calmness; the scent was rather pleasant. It had a presence of refreshing earth with luscious leaves and wild herbs, yet a hint of coconut shampoo?

How long was he out? Faintly, it seems as if he’s on his front, but on his bed? Though it was rather soft, and it seems to be gently rocking, but in a particular rhythm. Did burglars decide to take his bed with him? But his arms and legs were limp and hanging in front of him. Lewis takes a deep breath from the soft material in his face. Exhaling with relieving calmness, the scent was rather pleasant. It had a presence of the refreshing earth with luscious leaves and wild herbs, yet a hint of coconut shampoo?

Next in paragraph 27, I replaced another word “relaxed” to “drowsed” as he shuts his again. This was because I thought “relaxed” felt like an emotion of luxury and as if taking a vacation, so “drowsed” suited better with the situation. Including “dazily”, which is the wrong term because it means being blinded and then dazzled by the light, I replaced it with “wearily”, which, again, suited with the part when Lewis awakes, making it feel emotionally heavy as he opens his eyes.

Still exhausted and drowsed by the gentle rocking rhythm, he shuts his eyes again.But suddenly, his unusually soft, earthy, coconut bed tilts to a side and drops him against what feels like a tree, hard on his back. Wearily, Lewis awakes.

His vision remained blurry and the sight seemed bright with some greens. Still exhausted and relaxed by the moving rhythm, he shuts his eyes. But suddenly, his unusually soft, earthy, coconut bed tilts to a side and drops him against something hard on his back. Dazily, Lewis awakes.

Finally, in paragraph 33, I used an important use of repetition: “showing its valiant yet gently amiable visage, interrupted by a small wound scabbed across its jaw”. In comparison to the beginning, “with a rather brave, yet gently amiable visage, interrupted by a small plaster on her jaw.”. This was a last minute change in the refined draft, because I realised that readers would still not understand the situation and still would not have Red reveal her physical secret. However, this also reveals that not only Red is a slight tomboy by the style of having a compulsory plaster streaked across her jaw, but also this reveals the brutal duties Red fights through as a Wolphren.

After the shocking revealing, I used another repetition when uncovering Red’s enchanting eyes by repeating “kindly warm” from the beginning when she laughs, making Lewis further curious.

And lastly, in the last paragraphs by the end, I confirmed the uncovered secret by Lewis only thinking of one name, the girl from school. Then Red walking away, with an expression that Lewis can smugly judge that he revealed her.

The beast stops and hesitates, but Lewis remains speechless, struggling to string out words.
The beast slowly turns to Lewis, showing its valiant yet gently amiable visage, interrupted by a small wound scabbed across its jaw, but the creature was slightly scowling with impatience.
Lewis hesitates as he widens his eyes and dropping his jaw in bewilderment and shock. Those eyes - they’re so familiar - but one is golden… Despite that, they were kindly warm.

One word, or rather name, managed to string out of Lewis’ bundle of confusion from his mind:
“Red?”
The beast looks to the side, wrinkles its snout and continues to walk away.

Lewis pulls a smug smile, amused by her reaction when he revealed her.

In conclusion, the experience of this writing production was great because of the emotions as I wrote, and telling the tale from heart. However, despite the refined draft as an improved version of my first draft, there are still some improvements that can be conducted, since, even though the perspective was in third-person in Lewis’ eyes, the story still felt as if it was about him, even though I tried to make the story solely about Red through Lewis’ eyes. Perhaps I have achieved that objective by using the repetition at the end from the beginning and conveying Lewis’ unexpected interest.
Although, I think I have improved my writing skills as I elaborated the first draft, because I used Google so much to search up countless terms with “define…” and “other words for…”, which was a much more efficient use of a thesaurus than a physical one, and it was useful to reword and reconstruct terms and sentences to make the story more engaging and sophisticated.

In terms of writing in the writers’ style from League of Legends and J.K. Rowling, I think the majority of the writing was in my style. But having said that, I have tried to write the descriptions of Red, in bother her forms, and other descriptions, like the environment and the smoky monsters in Rowling’s style, even though her description of Dumbledore sounds like an introductory for younger readers, and she has achieved that, because it’s a slight informal, teenage style of describing a person, hence young readers love the stories of Harry Potter. But, like Rowling’s descriptions of characters, she individually described each feature of the characters’ physical aspects, for example, describing her way from boots to glasses, whereas I wrote upwards from Red being an “averagely tall girl”, writing about her hair, then focused on her face for a foreshadowing effect when she reveals herself to Lewis as a Wolphren at the end.
On the other hand, the style from the writers of the League of Legends, I think I wrote my story like theirs - more or less. However, the style of the champions’ stories from the game slightly have a fantastical medieval tone, whereas my environment consisted of Earth with magical beasts in it, battling each other. Therefore, the tone of writing about Earth would have a modern effect of writing. But even so, I have used the writers’ technique with their writing. For example, using rhetorical questions, implementing emotions to the story, adverbs at the beginning of sentences, and using particular vocabulary to describe the action around the reader’s imaginative surroundings. Except, I slightly described more than how the writers’ describe environments.

Reference:

Charlie Roberts (2019) Writing Experimentation [Online]. Available from: https://charliejohnroberts.wixsite.com/mysite/writing-experimentation-research [Accessed 18 December 2019].

Faster to Master (Unknown date) 800 Character Traits: The Ultimate List (+ How to Develop a Good Character Step-by-Step) [Online]. Available from: https://fastertomaster.com/planner/start/character-traits/ [Accessed 18 December 2019].

EnglishClub (1997) Negative Personality Adjectives [Online]. Available from: https://www.englishclub.com/vocabulary/adjectives-personality-negative.htm [Accessed 18 December 2019].

Google (1998). Available from: https://www.google.co.uk/ [Accessed 13 January 2020].

League of Legends Universe (Unknown writer) (unknown date) WARWICK
THE UNCAGED WRATH OF ZAUN [Online]. Available from: https://universe.leagueoflegends.com/en_GB/story/champion/warwick/ [Accessed 10 December 2019].

League of Legends Universe (Unknown writer) (unknown date) AURELION SOL
THE STAR FORGER [Online]. Available from: https://universe.leagueoflegends.com/en_GB/story/champion/aurelionsol/ [Accessed 10 December 2019].

League of Legends Universe (Unknown writer) (unknown date) RULES OF SURVIVAL [Online]. Available from: https://universe.leagueoflegends.com/en_GB/story/quinn-color-story/ [Accessed 9 January 2020].

League of Legends Universe (Unknown writer) (unknown date) RENGAR THE PRIDESTALKER [Online]. Available from: https://universe.leagueoflegends.com/en_GB/story/champion/rengar/ [Accessed 9 January 2020].

League of Legends Universe | Rayla Heide (unknown date) A FAIR TRADE [Online]. Available from: https://universe.leagueoflegends.com/en_GB/story/ahri-color/ [Accessed 15 January 2020].

League of Legends Universe | Rayla Heide (unknown date) THE ELIXIR OF ULOA [Online]. Available from: https://universe.leagueoflegends.com/en_GB/story/ezreal-color-story/ [Accessed 15 January 2020].

League of Legends Universe | David Slagle (unknown date) YOU ARE THE WEAPON [Online]. Available from: https://universe.leagueoflegends.com/en_GB/story/aphelios-color-story/ [Accessed 15 January 2020].

League of Legends Universe | Michael McCarthy (unknown date) THE GIRL WHO CAME BACK [Online]. Available from: https://universe.leagueoflegends.com/en_GB/story/kaisa-color-story/ [Accessed 16 January 2020].

J.K. Rowling (1997) Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, London, 50 Bedford Square: Bloomsbury Publishing Plc.

Chris Baty, Lindsey Grant, Tavia Stewart-Streit (2011) READY, SET, NOVEL!, California, 680 Second Street: Chronicle Books LLC.